the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
