you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
