we have pet lesbian snakes
just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
