Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
We need to rekindle our bromance
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
