They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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