Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
We need to rekindle our bromance
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
