just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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