Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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