At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
