I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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