dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
