I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
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