Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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