I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
