Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Couch. On fire.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
