when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
