Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Randomize
