it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
