It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
