Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
