we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
