i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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