Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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