So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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