he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
