One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
