i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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