no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
