I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
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You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
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We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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