I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
