I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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