Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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