I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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