Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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