He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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