So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Please, let me fuck your mom
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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