Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
