i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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