So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I need a hoe opinion
go on
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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