What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
