I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Randomize
