I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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