I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I cannot find my penis.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
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Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
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we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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