Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
