i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
