bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
