I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
