If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
