How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
