just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
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