You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
