I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
