Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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