i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
