I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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