I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
