Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Randomize
