the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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