I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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